Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
