Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i will never coherently bang her
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
