yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
he laminated a picture of his dick.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
