i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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