Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
