i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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