a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
