And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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