this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
