don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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