And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm