we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Just puked most of my soul out..
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
