dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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