Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
