I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
