8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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