So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
