Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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