Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
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he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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