areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
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