I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
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He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
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I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
The ass gains better be worth it
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