you're like a bully in the Christmas story
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
