im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize