I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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