): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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