i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
