I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
