Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
