I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
