I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
