Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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