when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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