I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
