I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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