Betty ford says i'm here all night
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
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