I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
