This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
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