you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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