I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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