I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
