let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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