he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
