it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
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No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
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I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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