Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
