I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
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Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
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After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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