Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
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