just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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