Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
