just tell him i said nine months
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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