Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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