her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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