i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
