I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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